Snoring in women: This is what your age has to do with it

Snoring in women: This is what your age has to do with it

In principle, we are above getting older. But a few things do bother us. Our columnist takes them with humor - most of the time, anyway.
I snore now. I first noticed it when I was rudely awakened on my masseuse's treatment table by a rumble of thunder. Outside the window, nothing but sunshine. "Was that me?", I asked guiltily. She nodded sweetly and understandingly, as is her way, "Just relax. It's all good."

Women don't snore. Do they?
Nothing was fine. Especially because I was noticing it more often now. That wasn't a flu-like rattle, that was a veritable snore. Don't guys like Al Bundy do that? Women don't snore. They don't make loud bodily noises anyway, neither after a fatty meal nor in the bathroom. At most, they clear their throats cutely and mumble the name of their Persian cat while the guys next to them are sawing up entire forests? Far from it!

But the full force of the problem only dawned on me a few days later. What was actually going to happen if a new man landed in my life or, worse, in my bed? A frightening thought. "Can anything be done about snoring?", I asked an acquaintance who knew about medical issues. "You can have a new soft palate molded," she explained matter-of-factly. "Nothing else?"-"Yes, there are snoring splints that you put between your tongue and palate. But you can't speak with them, you just make guttural sounds. Is it about a friend?"-"No," I replied, "about me." - "Oh," was all she said.

"Is it snorkeling or snoring?"
It came as it had to come. I met a man. After a few weeks of the usual purring, the night of nights came. "You, I snore by the way," I whispered as we turned out the light. "I don't think so," he replied. I tried to stay awake longer than he did so I wouldn't make the evil sounds in front of him. "So," I asked the next morning, "was I snoring?" "You just snored a little," he said lovingly. I was reassured. The second night. "Snorkeled again?", I inquired in the morning. He looked at me rumpled. "No. Snored."

I mean, it's normal to get physically impaired over the years. You only read menus with reading glasses and do gymnastics against centrifugal force. And snoring in old age, my ENT doctor assured me, is "quite normal," even in women. Because the muscles in the whole body weaken, ergo also in the throat area.

Maybe it's my just punishment, I think. I used to get so upset when my ex-husband snored. Can't anything be done about it, I hissed, pinching his side at night and hoping he would finally decide to have surgery. But he didn't, and so I slept with earplugs for years. Now it's my turn, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Meanly, the new man doesn't snore - fate really is a lousy traitor. But strangely enough, he doesn't run away either. "You know," he said the other day after waking up. "If they put another beer bottle in your hand, you'd think there was a construction worker lying next to you." Then he blew a kiss in the air and was gone. Honestly? That must be love.


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